Today, I Solved the Internet
How many relationships have been damaged due to misinterpreted intentions over text? How many jovial musings mistaken for malicious trollings in comments? How much sincerity has been confused with sarcasm, and vice versa?
Today, I stumbled upon a solution.
The Elcor, an alien race from the Mass Effect series, are monotone. They express emotion through a variety of pheromones and body language that are imperceptible to the other sentient races of the galaxy. To avoid misunderstandings, they have developed the habit of prefacing statements with the intended emotional content.
We can apply this same concept to our ambiguous messages online. I call it the Elcor Messaging Standard or EMS (That won’t confuse anyone right?). This process solves EVERYTHING! We developed the standard practice today and it works brilliantly. Just include your tone in [square brackets] before any statement that might need clarification on the emotional content and you’re golden.
Need convincing? Here are some useful examples.
“I love you” That, could mean anything right? Just add EMS and clarity shines through:
[with wistful affection] I love you.
[pleading for forgiveness] I love you.
[with lustful anticipation] I love you.
See the power of EMS?
What about in an argument?
“I suppose you’re right.” Seems clear, but add EMS and you get to the root:
[reluctant acceptance] I suppose you’re right.
[dismissive sarcasm] I suppose you’re right.
[epiphanous delight] I suppose you’re right.
Or in more casual context?
“I’m hungry.” A common and rarely misunderstoon statement, but add EMS and it becomes so much more:
[informative statement] I’m hungry.
[with urgency] I’m hungry.
[cannibalistic threat] I’m hungry.
[comedic enthusiasm] See how much EMS can do for us in our everyday lives. [energetic mock-rant] No more text based misunderstandings, no more witty jokes lost to mismatched contexts of the readers, no more internet arguments started by misinterpreted intent.
[heartfelt plea] give it a go. Try it with your friends and let the clarity of communication abound!
[genuine amusement]Also, you have never experienced Hamlet, until you have seen it done by an all Elcor cast.