A NSFW Lab Track by Garfunkel and Oates

If you haven’t heard of Garfunkel and Oates, boy, have I just opened up your world. They’re a comedy music duo from LA who I first heard on Savage Love singing Dan’s favorite of their songs, Pregnant Women are Smug. Just explore their Youtube library. You won’t be sorry.

Today’s lab track (suggested by Ryan who saw it on Victor’s Facebook wall) is decidedly not safe for work, unless you have headphones, in which case try not to laugh lest a buttoned-up coworker asks you what’s so funny. And in case you were wondering, yes, Christian teens having anal sex to preserve their virginity is actually a thing. Enjoy!

Author’s note: This is the only video available of this song, so my apologies for the wonky camerawork and weird cut at the beginning. Also, I transcribed these lyrics from the video itself, so there are no guarantees of accuracy. (And some places I just plain couldn’t hear! Hooray!)

Fuck Me in the Ass ‘Cause I Love Jesus
Garfunkel and Oates

…to live by God’s rule

So whatever people tell me
That the Bible tells me
I will do

In the halls of high school with my purity ring
Unlike those other girls, I’ve got my morals in check
It was easy to do ’til I got a boyfriend
And pardon my French, but he’s cute as heck

But I made a pact to keep my hymen intact
And Jesus and I are tight

I’ve learned about the birds and bees
I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
‘Cause the Bible says premarital sex is wrong
But Jason says that guys can’t wait that long

I don’t want to lose him to someone who’ll do him
I need to figure something out

Well, there’s a loophole in the Scripture that works really well
So I can get him off without going to Hell
It’s my hail Mary, full of grace
In Jesus’s name, we go to fifth base

Oh, thank you for making me holy
And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
And since I’m not a godless whore
He’ll have to come in the back door
Therefore

Fuck me in the ass ’cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
What a sweet sensation of an irrational rationalization
It’s just between you and me
‘Cause everyone knows it’s the sex
That God can’t see

It’s hard to be as pure as me
To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
To wait until my marriage bed
To give my husband my unsullied maiden head

So take your cock out, shove it in my ass
Fuck me until you come—oops!
I mean, let’s join our souls and unite our bodies
And fly with the wings of love

Whatever you do, don’t touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan’s doorbell, God can’t ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
‘Cause birth control’s for sluts and it’s a sin

I’ve emptied my bowels and laid out the towels
I’m ready for romance

Now I’m prayin’ to the power that is the highest
But of all of my holes this one’s the driest
Now we can’t procreate if we anally copulate
And God’s okay with sodomy, but only if you’re straight

And I’m staying pure no matter what
So I’m okay with everything but
Everything but
Everything but

Fuck me in the ass ’cause I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
It’s just between you and me
‘Cause everyone knows it’s the sex
That God can’t see

I do what the Bible tells me to
Except for the parts I choose to ignore
‘Cause they’re unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest I live by for sure

So let’s not talk about how the good book
Bans shellfish, polyester, and divorce
And how it condones slavery and killing gays,
‘Cause those parts don’t count, of course
Let’s cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry
And line up for doing ambiguous missions
And circumvent any real sacrifice
But still feel pious for my arbitrary parroted positions

And don’t you dare question my conviction
And don’t look closely at the contradictions
Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
And have faith in His complete jurisdiction
As the only way to measure whether you’re good or not
And when [hit with bait?], just say to have faith
‘Cause when you’re up against logic it’s the only card you’ve got

So close your eyes
Take a deep breath
And

Fuck me in the ass ’cause I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of irrational rationalization
It’s just between you and me
‘Cause everyone knows it’s the sex
That God can’t see

Yeah, my chastity belt has locks
So sometimes you need to think outside the box

This has been another installment of Monday Lab Tracks. Send us your musical recommendations through our contact link at the top of the page, and tell us what you think of the song in the comments below!