What do you call a skeptic…

Riding on the coattails of Smashley’s light-bulb moment AI from Friday, we bring you the next in the series of comedy  tropes

“What do you call a skeptic…”

You know the drill, fill in the rest of the question in the comment then hit us with the punchline.


Q: What do you call a skeptic at an all you can eat buffet?

A: Fill Plate


Q: What do you call a Catholic Skeptic?

A: Confirmation Biased


Ryan is a professional nerd, teaching engineering in the frozen north. Somewhat less professionally, he is a costumer, author, blacksmith, juggler, gamer, serial enthusiast, and supporter of the Oxford comma. He can be found on twitter and instagram @studentofwhim. If you like what I do here, feel free to leave a tip in my tipjar.

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  1. What do you call a skeptic reading a short work of fiction about birds?

    Jay Novella

  2. What do you call a skeptical ship’s captain who’s always looking for a better port for selling cargo?

    Richer Dockings.

  3. What do you call a skeptical extraterrestrial horticulturalist?

    Martian Gardener.

  4. What do you call a fellow skeptic who disagrees with your position?

    Anything else.

    What do you call two skeptics in a room?

    An argument.

    What do you call a skeptic who writes and gives lectures without expecting payment?

    A free thinker.

    What do you call a skeptic who incessantly points out all the minor mistakes in your arguments?

    A nagging doubt.

    What do you call it when a skeptic confesses to being really clumsy?

    A falls-if-able claim.

    What do you call an extremely beautiful mural painted around a skeptic’s house visually explaining the connection between Bigfoot and the controlled demolition of the WTC?

    Extraordinary Edifice.

    What do you call a skeptic who says his opinion is completely unbiased?


  5. What did the skeptic say when he left the waters off the northeast coast of Australia?

    “Coral Sea-gone!”

  6. What do you call a skeptic who’s recently finished her doctorate and as a result is overseeing exams?

    Post doc ergo proctor doc.

  7. What do you call an aggressive marketing campaign for grits?

    An ad hominy attack.

  8. What do you call a skeptic who has a habit of chewing on her pencils?

    A gnaw-stick.

    What do you call a skeptic at a cold-reading?

    Hmmm…does the letter M have any significance? I’m also seeing a J…

  9. What do you call a body builder who believes that god made everything?

    A kreatinist.

  10. What do you call a body builder who still wears the pants he wore in college, even though he’s 35, and believes that god made everything.

    A young-girth kreatinist.

  11. What do you call it when you say that someone who has sex with miners is a horrible person because it sounds like sex with minors?

    Ad homonym attack.

  12. Why was the lesbian atheist disowned by her family?

    They didn’t approve of her skeptical orientation.

    What brand of razor do skeptics prefer to shave with?


    Why do skeptics hate parties and concerts?

    Too much “woo!”

    What do you call a skeptic who starts believing in alt-med once she becomes pregnant?



    “ad homonym” makes me feel like a genius, but “ex-skepting” makes me think I’d be doing the human race a huge favour if I just went ahead and hung myself right now. :p

  13. Apologies for not sticking to the proffered format. Hell, for that matter have a pre-emptive apology for the joke. 🙂

    A skeptic walks into a bar and sees a sign proclaiming it to be happy hour. She asks the bartender about the specials and he hands her a bewilderingly extensive list of mixed drinks. At a bit of a lose she chooses a Kosmik Kalamity at random. The bartender on hearing her order slaps a big red button that sounds a siren, jumps over the counter, drops a red plastic crown shaped like flames on her head and flings gold glitter into the air. “Congratulations!” he yells, dancing around her,”You’re our happy hour winner!” All the staff gather around her dancing, singing and throwing glitter into the air. Pulling off the crown she says “Nice red hair ring, but I still want my drink.”

  14. @coelecanth, that was an awesomely bad joke. You may be jumping the gun, though. We were thinking of having a “Skeptic walks into a bar…” AI as well cause these have been so awesome.

  15. A hardcore evangelical Christian, a fundamentalist Muslim, an orthodox Jew and an atheist are walking along a beach. Suddenly, in front of them, appears a blinding white light, and out of it emerges an angel.

    “DO NOT BE AFRAID” speaks the angel, in a terrifying but beautiful and majestic voice. “I have come unto thee as a messenger of God. To each of thee, today, one prayer will be answered by God. What do you wish to ask of Him?”

    The Christian steps forward and says, “Well, I’d sure appreciate it if all good Christians like myself would at last be raptured up into heaven, where we can spend our eternal lives basking in the love of Christ”

    The angel nods a benevolent nod, and the Christian begins to ascend up into the sky. In the distance, the other three see many other people floating skyward. They turn back to the angel in awe.

    “You see now that what I offer is true”, says the angel. “I am here that God’s will might be fulfilled, and at last ye shall find salvation. Who’s prayers shall be answered next?”

    The Muslim approaches, with his head bowed in humility. “I wish that all good muslims shall be taken to Jannah, where we shall walk through the lofty gardens, rest in the valleys of pearl and ruby, bathe in the fountains scented with ginger and camphor, and eat of the heavenly fruits of all seasons.”

    The angel again looks down in benevolence, smiles, and in a flash of dazzling light, the muslim disappears.

    “It is done”, speaks the angel. “All devout and pious muslims have been rewarded for their devotion to Allah and now enjoy the rewards of paradise. Who next will make their wishes known?”

    The orthodox Jew approaches the angel. “I ask that all of my people, God’s chosen people, those who have stayed true to the halakha and stayed focused in their study of the tanakh, shall at last be taken to Zion, the promised land, where we can live peacefully, free of persecution and chains, our diaspora at last resolved, and contemplate the blessings of God”

    The angel smiles again, and again a dazzling light appears, leaving only the atheist and the angel standing alone on the beach.

    “And you, who have denied God for so long, you too shall have your prayer answered, for He is a loving God, and does not judge you for your chosen belief. You followed that which you believed to be true, and strove to be a good man and do right unto your fellow man, and for that you deserve reward as well. So what do you wish for?”

    The atheist stands and thinks for a moment.

    “So… the fundamentalist Christians have all been raptured into heaven, the fundamentalist muslims have been taken to Jannah, and the fundamentalist jews have been taken to Zion?”
    “This is true, yes.”
    “So… they’re all gone?”
    “Gone from here, yes”
    “So there’s no more religious fundamentalism, then?”
    “Yes, you could indeed say so”

    The atheist stands for a moment or two with a contented smile on his face.

    “Then I guess I’ll just have a cold beer”

  16. (btw… I hope that joke doesn’t come across as offensive or insensitive at all. I tried to write it as politely as possible, making fundamentalism what’s getting poked fun at, not the people or practitioners. If there’s any anti-semitic undertones or anything like that, I genuinely apologize in advance)

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