Oh God! You Devil. Pt. 2.

Last week I shared Oh God! You Devil. Pt. 1., if you missed it, go ahead and read it now, I’ll wait…done? After performing that poem for a few months a theist friend of mine asked me what changes I would make to the human form, so part 2 is my response to that question. All the links were from the original posting on Facebook, so that my friends could see what, and who I was referencing.

“...stars are not important, there’s nothing interesting about stars, street lamps are very important because they’re so rare, as far as we know there are only a few million of them in the universe...” – Terry Pratchett

Oh God! You Devil Pt. 2

Dear god,
I want to thank you
for this body you’ve given me,
but I do have one or two issues
with it’s layout and capabilities.
so may I suggest some upgrades
for version 2.0;
My party center, centrally located,
is in too close proximity at times sharing
the same facilities as my sewage center,
so may I suggest that you move our
excrement exits to the soles of our feet,
liquids out of the left,
and solids out the right,
still under voluntary muscle control,
so that I can keep my kicks
so fresh and so clean.
Give us wings like those of the Sugar Glider squirrel,
so that I will be able to see things
from a new perspective,
on a world so large we are limited by our pedestrian abilities.
Give us eyes with the ability to see infrared
so that pareidolia will not be
a necessary adaptation by my mind
as a means of ensuring survival,
I’d like the chameleon’s coordination skills,
so that my skin tone could match
my mood and environment.
Gills to give us the ability to explore
the two thirds of our world that are currently
contained in dihydrogen monoxide,
this might also eliminate the more than 17,000
children under the age of 4 that attempt
to come stay with you each year,
by acting on their natural, some might say,
God given, curiosity by placing things in their mouths,
or exploring bodies of water
that can be less than an inch deep.
Give us a more efficient process
for extracting oxygen from the air we breathe,
or even a way for us to extract energy
from the rays of the sun,
so that we will no longer need
to feast on the flesh of your beasts.
Give women the ability to determine
whether or not they want their eggs
inseminated by their current partner,
and better birthing canals
for the female of the species
so that giving birth will not be
a danger to mother and child,
give us a better understanding
of the perils faced on the journey
from zygote, to embryo, to fetus,
to eliminate the stat that 1 in 4 women
will suffer a miscarriage in their child bearing years,
or better yet, just stop killing kids
in their mothers womb.
I can only assume that your imagination
must have been exhausted
after creating sunrises, sunsets,
the ocean, its floor, and the majestic mountains,
they are beautiful works of art, after all,
but your imagination must have been expended
after creating the creatures of the deep,
birds to decorate the skies,
and animals to populate the earth,
they are awe inspiring in every iteration,
so I can only assume your imagination
must have been taxed
when it came to creating my kind,
I mean, if we are, as your adherents
would have me believe,
your chosen species,
there would be no need for me to plead
for upgrades to the human form…
so never mind,
scientifically minded men
have stepped in to fill the void
in our development left
after over 2 million years of undirected evolution,
people like Orville and Wilbur Wright,
who gave us the gift of flight,
or William Spicer, one of the pioneers
of modern night vision goggles,
or Frenchman Sieur Freminet,
who came up with the first
self contained underwater breathing apparatus,
better known by it’s acronym of SCUBA,
or Carl Djerassi inventor of the modern oral contraceptive
aka the pill,
and I know that some of your followers
will attempt to tell me that these men
and their work are expressions of your will,
but that still leaves the stat
that you kill one in four children,
before they ever have the opportunity
to inhale their first breath,
and that’s just in America, with all of our technology.
So please before your adherents speak about
your greatness and unending love and compassion,
have them explain away that fact,
until then I will place my trust
in the science, that works.

© Victor Harris Jr. 2010

What upgrades would you make to the human form for version 2.0? What advances to the human form to you see science making in the future?


Trained in the ways of critical thinking and skepticism at a young age by his mother, Victor then learned the ways of atheism during ten years of catholic schooling. He has been a Dj since 1996. a performance poet since 1999, a cheesecake baker and entrepreneur since 2003, and a race car driver since he figured out which pedal was the accelerator, which pedal was the brake and which pedal was the clutch, there is a rumor that there is a video of him doing these four pursuits at the same time...but it is as of yet unsubstantiated. He is also an avid Formula 1 fan, and would like to add: Go Lewis.

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One Comment

  1. Great Victor! I love the ‘party center’ too near our ‘sewage center’ line. Is that a nod to Neil DeGrasse Tyson’ s ‘sewage plant in an amusement park’ line?
    I would love to see in different wavelengths, as you mention. UV, infrared, radio… think of the things we could see. And then I’d paint them all.

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