You know what I can’t stand?
Fake nerds.
You know the kind, sauntering around a convention like they’re hot stuff, soaking in the attention of hormone-addled and social skill-stunted nerds. Letting the nerds fantasize about them, and then snickering behind their backs after they shoot them down.
I know you’re picturing them in your head right now. You can see their smug smiles as they casually take in the worship of the unwashed and undeodoranted masses, and then brush them aside.
These fake nerds are the bane on all of nerddom, the destroyer of the hobby, the interlopers in the sacred temples of geekery.
They. Ruin. Everything.
We all know it. We pretend to tolerate them because, well, they’re nice eye candy, and any red-blooded nerd won’t object to being able to stare at a hotty every now and again, but it’s gone too far. They’re now at EVERY convention, in places that used to be safe. It used to be that we could happily nerd out about Kirk and Spock safe from the ridiculing eyes of the outsiders, but not any more.
It’s time to put our collective feet down and put a stop to the mindless worship of these faux-nerds. They ruin everything with their perfect bodies and their skin-tight costumes. They ruin everything with their laughing eyes, hiding the contempt they feel for us, the real nerds. They ruin everything when they reject us when we so kindly show them the attention they were obviously asking for with their skimpy outfits. They ruin everything when they pretend to get angry when we give them a little extra grab while they take a picture with us.
It’s why they do it. They secretly love the attention. They love the groping. They love the constant romantic overtures. They only complain because they think they’re supposed to. After all, they wouldn’t dress sexily if they didn’t want the attention.
And that’s exactly why they do it. It’s obvious. They absolutely love the attention they get when donning skintight spandex and prancing around in front of their adoring sycophants.
I mean, look at these guys. Do you really believe they’re nerds? Come on. They’re obviously only there to play on the battered psyches and eternal hopes of nerd girls. One even has a DOG. That’s the classic way to lure in lonely girls. It’s obvious that they’re just begging to be objectified.
And this guy? Yeah right. Like he’s a real nerd. He obviously just put on a pair of glasses so that he can fit in. He’s probably some jock who goes around flexing his muscles for a living when he’s not pretending to be a nerd to get attention.
It’s time to stop this outrage! I, from now on, demand that everyone who wants to keep their nerd cards (issued by me, of course. I am, after all, the queen of the nerd girls) must stop paying attention to these fake nerds.
To this end, I’m offering some tips to help stomp out this scourge. Feel free to suggest more. There are many, many ways we can make sure that these fake nerds go away. I am only one humble blogger and a full list would take many, many posts:
- Start small: If you see one, give him a nasty look at the very least. You know, after you’re done asking for a picture and sneaking in a grope.
- When you’re comfortable with that, move onto the next level of openly leering at them, asking them if you can buy them a drink and then call them a bitch when they inevitably say no.
- And for the most advanced class (I mean it. This isn’t to be tried by beginners):Go to your local comic book store. Casually browse the new titles until you see a dude wander in (It does happen occasionally. Sometimes they get confused and think they’re walking into the coffeeshop next door. Or they might come in to pick something up for their boyfriend.) As soon as the guy picks something up, wander over, stand a little too close and then quiz him at length about every plotline of the X-Men for the past 20 years, including alternate time lines. If they can’t recite House of M plot points in correct order and accounting for retconning, then they are obviously not real nerds and you should say so and demand they leave the comic shop.
We can do this. We can stop this travesty against nerd culture. We can stop this influx of fake nerds. But only if we work together.
All of Nerddom is counting on you.
Don’t let us down.
*If anyone wants to create more Supernerd macros, the blank image can be found here. Please share your creations.
**I got permission from the cosplayers who I have contact info for, but if any of the cosplayers I couldn’t track down would prefer not to have their picture in this post, please let me know. I will happily substitute another. Alternately, if you want me to link to your cosplay site in the caption, let me know as well.
Curses, I’ve been found out! Your übernerd powers have penetrated my clever disguise! It was the glasses, wasn’t it? Way too stylish for a real nerd.
Thank you for speaking out, Emily. This is an important issue and it’s time we addressed it.
DICKS OR GTFO, fake nerd boys!
ELYSE UNDERSTANDS ME!!! FINALLY, SOMEONE WILL STAND WITH ME AS I FIGHT THIS FIGHT!
Uh oh! I’m a computer geek, with some middling SF chops but I never really got into comics at all. Is there someplace I can go to get my nerd cred officially validated once and for all? maybe a stamp I can get in my passport? Or will I need to prove myself every time a real geek challenges me??
if you are harassing dudes that go to comic shops to pick something up for their boyfriend, are you sure its fake nerds your raging against.
when a person goes through the hard work to emulate a fictional character not knowing minutiae doesn’t negate their passion for the material.
i appreciate what you did here.
I’m with “breadbox”…any tips for a geek that also happens to be socially well-adjusted and physically fit?
Hi guys this is the first time I’ve been able to comment on one of your other blogs. It took me awhile to figure it out. I thought I had to register a different account for each page.
Finally someone is talking about this terrible, terrible problem. I mean, who says I can’t put my hands on total strangers? What kind of hippie crap is this? I KNOW ALL THE X-MENS.