AI: So a skeptic walks into a bar…

One last time into the funnies. We’ve covered most of the tropes of water cooler humor but we have one more.

You know the formula:

Skeptic + n individuals enter an alcohol centric establishment for the purposes of comedic juxtaposition or wordplay where n is between zero and two and the individuals are described as one word archetypes.

Complete this for our amusement: A skeptic walks into a bar…

The ART Inquisition (or AI) is a question posed to you, the Mad Art Lab community. Look for it to appear Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 3pm ET.


Ryan is a professional nerd, teaching engineering in the frozen north. Somewhat less professionally, he is a costumer, author, blacksmith, juggler, gamer, serial enthusiast, and supporter of the Oxford comma. He can be found on twitter and instagram @studentofwhim. If you like what I do here, feel free to leave a tip in my tipjar.

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  1. [Cutn’paste cause I’z lazy like that]

    A skeptic walks into a bar and sees a sign proclaiming it to be happy hour. She asks the bartender about the specials and he hands her a bewilderingly extensive list of mixed drinks. At a bit of a lose she randomly chooses a Kosmik Kalamity. On hearing her order the bartender slaps a big red button that sounds a siren, jumps over the counter, drops a red plastic crown shaped like flames on her head and flings gold glitter into the air. “Congratulations!” he yells, dancing around her,”You’re our happy hour winner!” All the staff gather around her dancing, singing and throwing glitter into the air. Pulling off the crown she says “Nice red hair ring, but I still want my drink.”

  2. A skeptic walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey! We have a drink named after you!”
    The skeptic says, “You have a drink named Murray?”
    The bartender replies, “Yes we do.”

  3. Three skeptics walk into a bar. The statistician looks at the group and says, “Looks like there are an average of three skeptics in this bar.” The stage magician replies, “You’re assuming that no other skeptics sneaked in here while you weren’t looking.” The researcher says, “You know, I’d feel a lot better about accepting all these statements if we had set up a control bar.”

  4. Copied from the last one, but I guess it fits better here:

    A hardcore evangelical Christian, a fundamentalist Muslim, an orthodox Jew and an atheist are walking along a beach. Suddenly, in front of them, appears a blinding white light, and out of it emerges an angel.

    “DO NOT BE AFRAID” speaks the angel, in a terrifying but beautiful and majestic voice. “I have come unto thee as a messenger of God. To each of thee, today, one prayer will be answered by God. What do you wish to ask of Him?”

    The Christian steps forward and says, “Well, I’d sure appreciate it if all good, REAL Christians like myself, those of us who have kept true to the word of God and not engaged in the sinful temptations of the modern, “liberal” world, would at last be raptured up into heaven, where we can spend our eternal lives basking in the love of Christ”

    The angel nods a benevolent nod, and the Christian begins to ascend up into the sky. In the distance, the other three see many other people floating skyward. They turn back to the angel in awe.

    “You see now that what I offer is true”, says the angel. “I am here that God’s will might be fulfilled, and at last ye shall find salvation. Who’s prayers shall be answered next?”

    The Muslim approaches, with his head bowed in humility. “I wish that all good, devout muslims like myself, who have strictly abided sharia, shall be taken to Jannah, where we shall walk through the lofty gardens, rest in the valleys of pearl and ruby, bathe in the fountains scented with ginger and camphor, and eat of the heavenly fruits of all seasons.”

    The angel again looks down in benevolence, smiles, and in a flash of dazzling light, the muslim disappears.

    “It is done”, speaks the angel. “All devout and pious muslims have been rewarded for their devotion to Allah and now enjoy the rewards of paradise. Who next will make their wishes known?”

    The orthodox Jew approaches the angel. “I ask that all of my people, God’s chosen people, the strict, practicing orthodox jews like myself who have stayed true to the halakha and stayed focused in their study of the tanakh, shall at last be taken to Zion, the promised land, where we can live peacefully, free of persecution and chains, our diaspora at last resolved, and contemplate the blessings of God”

    The angel smiles again, and again a dazzling light appears, leaving only the atheist and the angel standing alone on the beach.

    “And you, who have denied God for so long, you too shall have your prayer answered, for He is a loving God, and does not judge you for your chosen belief. You followed that which you believed to be true, and strove to be a good man and do right unto your fellow man, and for that you deserve reward as well. So what do you wish for?”

    The atheist stands and thinks for a moment.

    “So… the fundamentalist Christians have all been raptured into heaven, the fundamentalist muslims have been taken to Jannah, and the fundamentalist jews have been taken to Zion?”
    “This is true, yes.”
    “So… they’re all gone?”
    “Gone from here, yes”
    “So there’s no more religious fundamentalism, then?”
    “Yes, you could indeed say so”

    The atheist stands for a moment or two with a contented smile on his face.

    “Then I guess I’ll just have a cold beer”

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