Lab Tracks

Lab Track: Atheists Don’t Have No Songs

I love Steve Martin. I love bluegrass. I love good songs about atheism. So when my believing friend posted this on my facebook wall, it only solidified what a totally awesome friend she is.

Steve Martin takes on an atheist theme in an approach that I think people of all faiths will find funny. Holy jeez, do I love this man.

Atheists Don’t Have No Songs
Steve Martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers

(Christians have)
Christians have their hymns and pages
(Hymns and pages)
Hava Nagila’s for the Jews
(For the Jews)
Baptists have the rock of ages
(Rock of ages)
Atheists just sing the blues

(Romantics play)
Romantics play Claire de Lune
(Claire de Lune)
Born Agains sing He is Risen
But no one ever wrote a tune
(Wrote a tune)
For godless existentialism
(For godless existentialism)

For Atheists,
There’s no good news
They’ll never sing
A song of faith

In their songs
They have a rule.
The “he” is always lowercase
The “he” is always lowercase
(Some folks sing)
Some folks sing a Bach cantata.
(Bach cantata)
Lutherans get Christmas trees
Atheist songs add up to nada.
(Up to nada)
But they do have Sundays free
(Have Sundays free)

(Pentecostals sing)
Pentecostals sing, sing to heaven
(Sing to heaven)
Gothics had the books of scrolls
(Numerologists count)
Numerologists count, count to seven,
(Count to seven)
Atheists have rock and roll

For Atheists,
There’s no good news
They’ll never sing
A song of faith

In their songs,
They have a rule
The “he” is always lowercase
The “he” is always lowercase

Atheists
…Atheists
…Atheists
Don’t have no SONGS!

(Christians have)
Christians have their hymns and pages
(Hymns and pages)
Hava Nagila’s for the Jews
(For the Jews)
Baptists have the rock of ages
(Rock of ages)
Atheists just sing the blues

Catholics
Dress up for Mass
And listen to
Gregorian chants

Atheists
Just take a pass
Watch football in their underpants
Watch football in their underpants

Atheists
…Atheists
…Atheists
Don’t have no SONGS!
(Don’t have no songs)


This has been another installment of Monday Lab Tracks. Send us your musical recommendations through our contact link at the top of the page, and tell us what you think of the song in the comments below!

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Ashley Hamer

Ashley Hamer

Ashley Hamer (aka Smashley) is a saxophonist and writer living in Chicago, where she performs regularly with the funk band FuzZz and jazz ensemble Big Band Boom. She also does standup comedy, sort of, sometimes. Her tenor saxophone's name is Ladybird.

3 Comments

  1. December 5, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Never heard this! My love for Steve Martin is cemented ever more strongly in my heart.

  2. December 5, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    I’ve heard it before, but it’s still awesome. And it was a different recording.

  3. December 9, 2011 at 11:41 am

    +1

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